Found this blog I wrote end of 2019 right before the pandemic hit us in 2020, we moved to Utah, and my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, and my brother would finally be in jail for long enough to create change in him for good (so it seems right now and I’m praying for it)….man o’ man was God preparing us for battle.
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January 1, 2019, was not a day of celebration for me. Instead of watching the Rose Parade with fire ablaze in the living room of my in-laws, I spent the day in the passenger seat of our White Honda Odyssey convincing my brother to get into rehab via text while my husband muscled our car through Utah in a snow storm. And so set the stage for the rest of this year.
The rest of 2019 has been a year of transition for me. A year of waiting as I hold my breath for what’s next. And I’m praying that 2020 can let me see what all of this 2019 was for so I can finally breathe again.
Not many people know about this other than a couple of close friends. But my 35-year-old brother relapsed into his meth addiction. And we discovered it right before Christmas last year while on our annual family trip to Big Bear. A tradition we have enjoyed for a few years now. And this isn’t the usual meth addict brother who didn’t have much going on in his life and then slipped. This was a man who had so much.
A wife. Three boys. A home in a beautiful neighborhood. A church family and ministries. Close friends who were good people.
It was a great tragedy because with it, came great loss for not just us losing him, but him losing all he had.
I haven’t seen my brother since early January when my sister and I ate sushi with him, prayed over him, cried with him, and sent him off to rehab the next morning, for which he was supposed to stay 9 months before then piecing together the life he once had with his wife and children.
Well, he lasted like 5 days before he self-exited and I haven’t seen him since. He’s been back on meth since. It felt like a death in the family.
The first 4 months were the hardest. There was a lot of tears. A lot of guilt. A lot of not knowing if I was making the right choice in setting strong boundaries. The brother I knew and love is still gone. The addict has taken over and he is quite different than my brother. Now it has been a year. And there is no sign of him returning to rehab anytime soon. I miss my brother so much. I’ve been waiting all year for him to get help. For me to get my beloved brother back. But it’s not just my brother we lost. We used to spend at least one weekend a month with my brother’s wife and kids too. Our kids were best friends and my sister-in-law is quite dear to me. They have since moved away to heal and we have seen each other once in like 8 months.
I’m praying that 2020 is the year. The year of redemption. The year my brother no longer needs to self-medicate for his own depression, to heal from the wounds of our childhood, to redeem his relationship with his children and wife, with our family, and to rebuild his life. His relapse has been the overarching narrative for this year because it has been a daily trial in my life. I do not go a single day without saying a prayer for him. For thinking of him. Of my nephews and sister-in-law who now live life without him.
To add to the stress of this trial, we decided to sell our house last Spring. It was a great distraction in some ways from the drama of my family. But in the process of preparing our house to sell, we ripped out the mismatched tile in fixer-upper to lay down laminate and discovered a hot mess underneath the tile. So much of a hot mess that we had to pause the demo job to get some second opinions on how to resolve it and perhaps a more modest quote. Finding someone willing to fix it proved difficult, which left us walking on these dusty floors for 2 months until we finally got them fixed in June.
I’m allergic to dust.
The effects were awful. It put my body into an autoimmune attack and not only was I constantly blowing my nose for 2 months straight, but I developed symptoms of Hashimotos and Lupus.
I’m sure the stress from my brother didn’t help. The soft diagnosis of the two autoimmune diseases sent me into a pity party of believing that all the hard work I’ve done to eat healthy didn’t matter. Between the need to eat on-the-go more often due to the selling of our house that July as well as my own self-pity, I started to cheat on my low grain/low dairy diet which has helped me maintain my physical and mental health so well over the last couple of years.
So in August, one month after we moved into our beautiful new home in Oceanside, I came to realize I had also relapsed into depression– a mental state I have battled on and off my whole life and one that I had thought I overcame. But here I was on a warm summer day with an ocean breeze outside, in this beautiful 2 story house with my precious children playing outside on the green grass and my hard-working husband in his studio. And I’m irritable. I’m anxious. I feel no joy. And I’m in such of state of self-pity I don’t know how to pull out even though I wanted to. But I allowed myself to go too deep. I couldn’t even muster the will to return to the diet that had helped me.
I was angry. So angry.
Why am I so angry, God! I’m so angry and I sobbed on the floor of my bedroom upstairs, finally confessing it out loud to myself and to God, and later running to my phone to post the confession to my prayer group who prayed over me and ministered to me.
5 days of daily prayer it took.
Then on Sunday, August 24 while standing in my church sanctuary, worshipping, the Lord healed me. God works differently for different people. So I do not share the details for someone to try and replicate because there are so many layers. But for me, there was an element of choice in being healed, and God walked me through it.
“Step into my healing light,” He told me.
I did.
I don’t feel any different, God.
“Well, my daughter, do you believe I have healed you? If you are healed then be healed.”
How do I do that, Father?
“Smile,” He said.
And so I did. And as soon as I smiled, I felt the dark cloud float out the top of my head.
And thank God for that.
Another 5 days later, while I was managing my home and 4 kids by myself because Owen was in Ireland, emceeing a conference–I got the call that our good friend, Oddie Sloan had committed suicide.
Another day on the floor.
After that, it’s a bit of a blur.
I remember FaceTiming my husband to tell him the news before he found out through Facebook. I remember visiting Oddie’s family, opening the front door to greet my returning husband, and crying together on our couch.
I remember a brief weekend getaway in Palm Springs for a marriage retreat and then the funeral where I sat dressed in purple while my husband gave Oddie’s eulogy. And then the very next day, Owen developed sore lymph nodes on his neck.
The lymph node swelling didn’t get better but got worse and after Owen returned from a final conference in Utah, he slept a lot. It seemed like Oddie’s death had sent his body into an attack as well.
After 2 weeks of extreme fatigue and weakness, I suspected an Epstein Bar relapse and sent him to the doctor. She confirmed by his symptoms an Epstein Bar relapse as well which is similar to Mononucleosis.
Not the best timing when we just spent a chunk of money on a pricey business coach to help us scale our business. We tried to push through some of the calls and exercises, but after 2 more weeks, his symptoms were only getting worse.
He started swelling up. Then when the swelling on his neck moved to his face and then to his arms and torso, I suspected something else was going on. Blue spider web veins were starting to show up on his torso. I told the doctor about his symptoms. She agreed and said he needed to go to the hospital.
The fear of cancer really kicked in. I needed to tell Owen. I needed the strength to tell him.
A visit from our pastor came next, where he anointed Owen with oil and prayed over him led me to finally confess to my precious husband the difficult words…”This is not mono.”
I had looked up the symptoms and words the doctor gave me. It was Superior Vena Cava syndrome. And the number one cause was cancer.
We went to the ER that morning and after 5 hours of crying and braving through the expected diagnosis and coming months of more chemotherapy and radiation, like we did 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with stage 3 thymus cancer— we learned that he indeed had SVC syndrome, but it was due to blood clots, not cancer. We praised God rejoicefully in front of a bewildered and confused doctor who just told us the terrible news.
After six days he spent in the hospital– my amazing family swept in and watched my kids, took them to school, and put them to bed. My church family sent meals, And I slept in a cot next to my husband every night there as the doctors worked to open up the largest vein leading to his heart that had closed completely shut from scar tissue due to the radiation he received 4 years prior.
They sucked the clots out of his arms and neck that had formed from lack of blood flow. And they pumped him full of blood thinners that he is still on at this moment while we wait for approval for a stent. “We don’t know how you are still alive, ” the doctors told us. We know it’s because God is not done with him yet. He is setting the stage for something ahead.
Now we are in the healing stage. Healing from the wounds left from losing family members, from cancer’s radiation, from autoimmune attacks, and from the ravages of depression, I’m developing a strong desire to conquer. I am so sick and tired of death and addiction and disease and depression. I long for the return of my savior and to finally be done.
But I don’t think that is happening in 2020. Instead, I believe God is setting the stage for battle. For testimonies that fuel ministries that change the world. For the first time in my life, the idea and desire to adopt a baby has taken root in not only my heart but my husband’s heart. The recognition and compassion have grown in our hearts as we come to see so many of us are battling these 4 evils too. And we need each other and our creator to overcome them.
Will 2020 be the year for redemption for my brother? Will this be the year where the disease of depression and addiction get vacated? That the only thing death conquers is the addict and not my brother– that instead he be resurrected and restored?
God is teaching Owen and I so much about the power of faith, and opening doors for us in areas I’d never dreamed. Who knows what the future holds but the silhouettes forming on the horizon of the future are nothing like would have expected had someone asked me to forecast the future a year or more ago. We have started a family vlog, are looking at investing into an idea of Owen’s with one of our friends, are getting more marriage ministry opportunities, and more. We are even now working on house projects together to improve our home and planning to hopefully move our family to the Austin area in Texas when Kanan graduates high school. We still have concerns about Owen’s health and with the risk of owning a business, and kids there are plenty of worries, but that is where God is teaching so much about faith and trust. We live by him each day. And no matter what happens, we are trusting in Him and his plans for us.
I loved to write stories and draw pictures on printer paper from my Grandma’s office with my baby brother. To play with Barbie dolls on Saturday mornings with my younger sister. And dress up in pretty clothes and make up from my mom’s endless supply.
The day before my 28th birthday, I published a 
It’s been another ten years. I’m not going to say the story is over. God still isn’t done with me yet…not by far. But God is good.
I have battled clinical depression and anxiety most of my life. I tried counseling. I tried prescription anti-depressants, but as soon as I was off, it was back again. It was not until the last 10 years have I been able to finally uncover the role my diet and nutrition played in these feelings. When I eat right and take the supplements I need to fill in those gaps, I don’t struggle with it. When I start cheating again and getting out of my good habits, those feelings come back. Some people are just more susceptible to these things. It can run in families too. My dad’s side of the family is filled with anxiety and gut issues. And the more people I talk to, the more I see it everywhere. Test my theory out. Give it 8 weeks. And I’d recommend this while on meds as well if you are on them with the intention to one day be free from those drugs and be healed.
But on a typical week, I’m helping Owen with his business doing the tedious side work he shouldn’t be doing but has not been able to find an employee or virtual assistant to do it well or for any decent length of time. No one cares for the business the way we care for the business. I’m the best person for the job. And then I’m also writing scripts and recording videos for our Thriving, Sexy Marriage ministry.
I have always struggled with dryness in my eyes. I remember in high school, struggling to pull my purple contact lenses off my brown, spider-veined eyeballs at the end of the day, hoping I wouldn’t pull a layer of skin off my iris along with the lens itself.
So at the at the age of 26, when my optometrist found multiple dry patches on my eye along with calluses forming, I decided to try her suggestion of getting punctal plugs. My vision had also diminished to 20/40 in my good eye and 20/80 in my bad eye, so I had to do something if I wanted to wear contacts again. I was ecstatic to discover there was something that could help. So I let her get super close with this huge magnifying glass and some special tweezer-looking instruments while she stuck these tiny, pinpoint sized “punctal” plugs into my lower tear ducts. It was supposed to prevent them from sucking up the tears in my eyes and allow more to stay on my eyeball. That worked….for like 2 months. Until the plugs fell out.
So I called my optometrist. She recommended I try fish oils, 2-3000 mg a day minimum. She said this would work if my tears were low because they were evaporating more easily due to less oil/water ratio in the tear consistency. Somehow, fish oils would help in that area.
week to get an updated prescription for my eye glasses and just do the usual check up we are supposed to get every couple of years. And they found no more dry patches! And my vision even improved. I’m 20/20 in my good eye and 20/30 in my bad eye. When I asked the optometrist how that could happen, she said that part of our vision depends on the amount of tears in our eyes. Improving tear consistency heals the eye of the callouses and damaging effects on vision.
. Take a WHOLE FOOD MULTIVITAMIN to fill in the gaps you might lose in the day. Whole-food is key here. Most multivitamins are synthetic and our bodies know the difference. Needless to say, about 70 percent of our multivitamin ends up in the toilet. But whole-food vitamins increase the chances of our bodies absorbing it because the vitamins are taken from actual food. So our bodies recognize it. And guess what? Your gut will absorb more of those vitamins, if it is not enflamed. So treat it well too!
.PROBIOTICS and DIGESTIVE ENZYMES are something most people don’t appreciate as much as they should. While probiotics are important for all people to take in order to maintain healthy flora in their gut, and therefore maintaining their immune system, people with digestive issues or who are prone toward anxiety and depression should especially take them and even add digestive enzymes as well. Remember, a healthy gut strengthens your emotional immune system, making you better able to fight off depression and anxiety as well as viruses and bacteria. I take probiotics daily and digestive enzymes when I know I will be eating dairy. Enzymes help my stomach and intestines not hurt as badly after I eat it and prevent it from becoming enflamed because it helps break the proteins and sugars down to a more tolerable level for my sensitive gut. There are many kinds of enzymes out there and each work a bit differently. I prefer ones that help break down protein as they seem to be more effective for me. Now ironically, probiotics are most often grown in dairy. They are in yogurts. And even in supplement form, are mixed with casein or other dairy. But you can find probiotics grown in coconut or other bases at health food stores. They cost a little more but are well worth it. If you don’t have a dairy intolerance, just buy regular probiotics. I take Dr. Mercola’s multi-strain probiotic blend and LOVE it! I did some research and found the top 10 probiotics found through studies of how much flora actually existed in the capsules at the time of consumption versus the amount claimed when the flora was bottled. Mercola’s scored a 9 out of 10 for quality and integrity. I definitely feel the difference on days I don’t take it. Because of my antibiotic use as a kid, my gut flora has extremely low variety and amounts of flora, so I will need to take flora daily probably indefinitely to maintain a healthy gut and immune system.
Ashwagandha and Rhodiola are both adaptogens which means they help the body adapt better to stressful situations. For me, ashwagandha has been extremely helpful with my anxiety. One reason is because it helps your body slow down its cortisol production, which is what you produce when feeling stressed. When you struggle with anxiety–your cortisol is on overdrive even when it shouldn’t be. So you have panic attacks at the grocery store and or are breaking down in the kitchen because you are trying to cook dinner but your daughter is crying for a snack. Rhodiola is also an adaptogen and helps your bodies serotonin to work more effectively. So this one is a better choice if you are more prone to depression rather than anxiety. If you have both, taking both can be really helpful.
Here’s one that includes a lot of the vitamins and herbs I’ve mentioned above, including St. John’s Wort. St. John’s Wort has been used for generations as a mood enhancer and stabilizer. Named after the apostle John, the herb actually acts as a very mild selective serotonin reuptake inhibiter (basically a natural and very mild anti-depressant). Therefore, while it is effective in this way, given it does actually help increase the amount of serotonin in your synapses by not allowing your body to recycle it as quickly, it can also have some side effects and should still be approached prayerfully, and in my opinion, as a last resort. Look those up and talk with a Naturopath and pray about whether or not this is a right choice for you. I say see a Naturopath, because regular MD’s and Psychologists have been trained, educated, and endorsed by the pharmaceutical companies. They will automatically not support it strictly because it is an herb and therefore, not approved by the FDA. Naturopath’s are well researched in herbs and can give you an intelligent, well-educated and researched assessment, by trustworthy resources even though they are not the FDA. Given the mild effect, I have read that it is not addictive like pharmaceutical anti-depressant, but still should be reduced slowly before getting off to avoid any mood changes.
In my 11th grade American Literature class, my students and I started talking about this cycle of cruelty among the characters in the novella, particularly the villain and his wife. From our analysis of Of Mice and Men, we decided Steinbeck argued that cruelty can be a reaction to fear or loneliness. We shared some of our won experiences where we had seen others act cruelly to others due to fear or loneliness and even looked at our own actions. I couldn’t help but remember a high school acquaintance whose name I will change to David who was cruel to another kid and wondered about all the possible causes for his rage. I’m still haunted by my own cruelty for not doing anything to stop what I had seen or help. We all spent about 30 minutes writing about an experience. I shared my story later with them during our readings:
TheEntrepreneurialWife 