Today I recieved my official pink slips. My principal called me into his office and told me how much he wished he didn’t have to do this. He said all the nice things he could say—we will try and do everything we can to bring you back, you are one of our best teachers, etc. I asked him some of my own questions and expressed my gratitude for being able to start my career at this school and said goodbye. The experience sobered me to say the least. Its strange, this layoff could lead me down one of three roads–to a better school and a better career or to a challenging season (hopefully) of substitute teaching until I could land another teaching job, or to a humbling season of unemployment before another fork in the road that could get better or worse. I pray for the former but I am planning now how I will handle all three. I took a really detailed and scientific personality test a while back that definied me as an introverted, perseptive, equally logical and emotional, planner. I plan. And I have to write out my plans on paper over and over again for myself to process and feel like I have things under control. I can’t tell you how many times I have calculated my expenses and budget if I have to live on unemployment or if I had to live on substitute teacher income, or if I got a job at another highschool making what I make now. I have three plans on how to handle the three possible : the best, the best of the worst, and the worst.

The best: I save my money from not paying rent for the next three months and get a nice nest egg for an apartment and move out at the end of summer back to Oceanside so Kanan can stay with his current daycare provider who has become like a grandmother to him. I’d commute to whatever job I found unless of course it was super far away which in that case, I would just have to move out anyway. If the prospective school district pays me a salary equivalent or more than I make now, I’ll be good.

The best of the worst: I pull Kanan out of daycare the two work days I have him and take care of him myself (This part is actually awesome! Its just the rest that makes it suck because of the instability and lack of professional development).  I substitute teach the three other work days in the Oceanside School District because with my current contract, they legally have to pay me a daily rate equivalent to what I make now. I’d stay at my folks house and slam out payments on my car to get that paid off so that if I don’t find permanent work I could eventually move out while making less money because I would free up 250 dollars to use toward an apartment. I’d have to save a lot though to get me through the school breaks where I wouldn’t work. And I’d might have to take a summer job to get me through that 10 week dry spell if I couldn’t save enough.

The worst: If there are no sub jobs, I’ll live on 1800 dollars a month as long as I can while actively seeking employment and if I cannot find employment making decent money, I’d go back to school, volunteer, take some mission trips,  and make the most of my time without work. Of course, this option would also require me to take Kanan out of daycare and spend time with more (which is a plus, of course). In the end, if this phase only lasts a season and I do end up teaching again with a permanent position within a year, than it could be a blessing in disguise because of my time I could use spending time with my son during special moments I could never get back.

So at this point, I have to surrender the rest to God. I can’t make anyone of these happen. I can only apply my reaction once that becomes the road I will clearly have to take. I suppose what scares me most is that this is the first recession I have ever experienced as an adult. And given that I am a conservative, I obviously don’t like see the road our government and society is going down in addition to watching my state and my country slip further and further into debt (which no one likes, regardless of political views). So I can’t help but feel a bit of doom and gloom when it comes to the future. Of course I know God will make sure my son and I  eat and are sheltered as I said in my previous post, but there are people out there who have had a number of negative changes take place in their lives that have lead them to be on welfare or some other support system and I can’t help but think that if this could happen to other people, it could certainly happen to me. I am not special or above anyone else. Circumstances happen and great men fall. I have never been great, but if great men can fall then I could fall. The key is finding joy and happiness no matter the consequence. Will I let my happiness be determined by happenings? Or will I remain joyful despite it all because my joy comes from things not of this world? Shouldn’t I stop asking God to serve me and instead ask Him how I could serve Him? Who is Lord after all? Continue reading →

Kanan and I wanted to leave yesterday and get to the Wild Animal Park early, but every imaginable happened to get us a late start. First, just getting everything packed and ready to go for a couple of days (we had originally planned to head up to Palm Springs afterward to visit my cousin for a couple of days), then I realized I had yet finished my neighbor’s laundry which I offered to do to help her busy life out, then I had to deliver it, then we got half way there and realized I left the tickets at home. When we did finally get close, my GPS directed me to the wrong address and I had to drive around a while before I found it.

When we did arrive, it was already 11:30  and it was packed. I made the mistake of not bringing my stroller and there was a line down to the street just to get in. To top it all off, it was hot! Needless to say, our number one priority—the butterfly jungle was unattainable because the line just to see that exhibit was an hour and a half long. So Kanan and I did have a good time yesterday, but it wasn’t exactly what we had planned. We went to the petting zoo and Kanan loved the deer, gazelles, and antelope. We saw the meer cats and some exotic birds. And we had a nice lunch. But it was time to go home around 1 so I could get Kanan down for a nap. We decided we would come back the following day to make up for our lost time. And we did.

Today was awesome! We got to the park at 9am and got front row parking. The weather was cool. There were no lines. I brought a stroller, snacks, and coffee for me. Kanan was actually really easy. He stayed in his stroller most of the time. He loved the butterflies as did I. They were so many of them and they were so large and colorful. A couple of them even landed on Kanan’s cheek much to his disapproval but it was a sight.

We were not only able to see more animals, but we just enjoyed leisurely strolling through park and listening to the animals and smelling the flowers—lots of Jasmine and Lavender! Kanan loved the monkeys. He said they were “singing” when they cried out their crazy noises. He picked out a green snake to have painted on his face and actually sat still enough to get it done. He kept showing off to all the kids he passed by.

When we got home, he ran around happily and snuggled up to me for kisses and love. Yes, I loved today. I love my son. I love that I can spend days like this with him when I’m on vacation. And I must say, as much as I hope I find a teaching job for the following school year, if I don’t, I definitely won’t mind the extra time I will get to spend with my son—catching up on all the moments like this I have missed because I was working.

When I was a little girl living in Mountain Home, Idaho, I had a little girlfriend named Angelica. She was Native American and her mom still followed many of the customs of her tribe. Other than that I have no memory of her. I have only a grainy picture or two of us out on the grass or the driveway layered in jackets to and scarves to protect us from the cold—next to a 1979 Ford Pinto.   My mom said that when we moved to California, I was very sad to have lost her. I’m sorry we never kept in touch. I don’t know what she looks like or where she lives or what ever happend to her. But she was my first friend. And I will always remember her because of that. Over the next few years after that, I continued to develop short bursts of friendships that lasted only as long as I lived where I lived. I remember two sisters named Jessica and something else who I played She-ra with and who taught me how to call for the time on the telephone. I remember Devin from Kindergarten who lived in a huge house on Euclid Avenue and had a brother who loved Michael Jackson. I remember a friend with two different colored eyes in my third grade class at Valencia Elementary. And then I met Erika. After I had moved to Fontana with my mom’s new husband, I met her. She was my best friend through sixth grade. I’ve written about her before, so some may know her story. All my other freinds from that time period pale in comparison to my memories of her. But all of that seemed to change after I moved to Rancho Cucamonga. Moving during the sixth grade is a tough time for an adolecent. The girls at Carnelian Elementary were mean to me, no one understood me or appreciated me again like that until high school. And through the drama and emotions of high school, my friendships grew and fell apart with various girls, save just a couple who endured until now—I remember Melanie, Bekah, Jessica, Kelly, Lisa, and Laurel the most. They took turns being some of my closest friends during those years.

Now everyone the told me that the friends I made in college would be the ones that would last my lifetime. That isn’t really the case for me. I made many friends in college and I only keep in contact with a couple—and even those are seldom. Brianne would be the only good freind I made in college, but really I developed my freindship with her at work. We waited tables together at Dalton’s Roadhouse even though we technically met eachother before a chemistry class when I bummed a cigarette off of her. But and I have been friends since and I think we are coming on to a 10 year anniversary here soon.

And so this leads me to a point here, as long winded as my introduction may be. For the longest time over the last 9 years, Brianne and my two good friends from high school Lisa and Bekah have been the only real friends I have had. And for being such real friends, there is no way we have spent as much time together as we should have. Much of it has been my fault because up until a little over a year ago—I have put my boyfriends first in my life. When I dated Matt Rybak in my earlier college years, I spent most of my time with him and his friends. Then when I met Mike, I switched the free time to him. So through that relationship, I developed casual relationships with his friends while maintaining just enough contact with my three good friends to keep those alive. Such a pathetic friend I was. And so needless to say, when my relationship with Mike proved to be over, I knew I would have to approach my life differently and I prayed to God for help in the process. Much was a part of this makeover. And my friendships were just one of the many changes.

Well the Lord answers prayers so wonderfully. It has been one year now since Mike and I have broken up and I have made and nurtured and developed some amazing friendships! So me are on fire and I have some more in the earlystages still, but I want to pay tribute to God of course, but also to the wonderful ladies in my life.

First, there is always Lisa. She and I have been through so much together in our lives, and while she lives in Upland with her own family, I think of her often and love her dearly. She inspires me with her intense passion for her husband, her ability to work ridiculously hard to contribute to the family income, and her  judgment free respect for me even when I haven’t deserved it. She knows the girl inside me who I have tried to forget for years. She loves that girl. And she loves me. How could I ever be so blessed to have a friend like her?

Then there is Bekah. Another friend from school and someone I respect and love greatly. She gets classier and classier as she gets older. She can do 5 things at once, look gorgeous as she does it, and has endured some of the biggest trials motherhood could have. She is sensitive like me and I understand for it, as she does me. I feel safe when I am in her home and I know without a doubt that she will one of my closest friends for the rest of my life.

Of course there is Brianne. She knows some of my biggest weaknesses and loves me anyway. She has not been afraid to call me on my selfishness when I have definitely deserved it, and has taught me how to be a better woman. She has been a model of  how to be single and confident and loving. And when she met the love of her life, I couldn’t have been happier for her.

Now I have my friend Kelley—a woman who showed me Christ’s love one day with a Starbucks and check to help me out during a really financially hard time for me. A woman who invited me to church with her one day. And a woman who helped lead me back to God. She will earn a beautiful crown in heaven for her selflessness. She is my friend and a mentor. She is a model of a the kind of mother and wife I hope to be one day.

Then there is Lael. She came into my life through the internet. How odd to make a friend in an online education class last year and find out that not only is she my age, is an English teacher, and has the exact same personality as me, but she also was seeking a relationship with Jesus and rekindled her relationship with him at the same time I was rekindling mine. And she also had to end a relationship that was not giving glory to her Lord. Since then we see each other often and I don’t know how I could have made it though the last year without her ear and her understanding.

Finally, there is my other Kelley. What a suprise to meet such an amazing woman across the street from me. She is strong, passionate, artistic, and caring. She too is a Christian. She too has a 2-year-old toddler. And she too has a colorful past. She teaches me about painting, motherhood, and the continued quest of women to better themselves. I am so thankful to have her in my life.

I have so many other girlfriends who I am getting to know and hope to know more and to spend more time with, honestly, you wouldn’t be on this list if I didn’t want to spend more time with you and write a tribute to you as well–friends from work like Bethany, Colleen, Merideth, Chandra, Nancy, Sheryl, Freda, and Rachel. Friends from church like Jenn, Julie, Claire, and Amy. All such amazing women and all who I am equally thankful to know even if we don’t spend a lot of time with eachother.