I worry. It is my biggest sin. I worry about every thing. I worry so much, sometimes I can’t eat. I worry so much, and I always have. I was a worrier even as a child, getting so caught up in the what ifs of life that my own grandmother would push out my furrowed brows and say in her thick Colombian accent, “you are too young to be so serious my darling.” So when we are hanging out and having a good time, you might see this goofball friend who makes fun of herself and has a big smile. But afterward when I’m on my way home, I’ll reflect back on the conversation and if I remember saying anything that may have been taken the wrong way or perhaps may have offended someone or what ever, I’ll worry about it. I’ll eventually call you and apologize or clarify something I said, just so I can stop wondering. And most of the time when I do, the person I call has no idea what I’m talking about. Most of the time, my worrying is for nothing. Now, since I’ve become a Christian, much of my worries have dissapated. There are moments between the worrying that I am reminded of whose child I am, and I calm down because I know that no matter what happens, He loves me and has plans for me. If I didn’t have that comfort, I don’t know what I’d do. But right now, I admit that I am still not cured. It is something He will have to work on me for a while. Like my life for example. I worry about it. I worry about not finding a job. I worry about not having my own place. I worry I’ll have to work a bunch of low paying jobs to make ends meet and never get to see my son. I worry about not every falling in love again or ever having a man love me so much, he ‘d want to marry me.  I worry that because of this, I’ll never have children or enjoy making love again. I worry that my life won’t turn out the way I had hoped. And while other Christians remind me of that famous verse by Jesus which says that if the birds of the air are taken care of, how much more my father in heaven will take care of me, I realize that I’m not worried about that. I’m not worried I won’t be able to eat. I’m not worried I won’t have a place to live. I know God has me covered in that by blessing me with many loving friends and family who would take care of me if things got that bad. I know that I live in the United States and while in many ways it is crumbling to pieces, it is still better off than so many other countries. What I worry about is that God won’t bless me with the things I want, but don’t need.

I want to teach. I want to have my own place. I want to be married. I want more children. And I don’t need any one of these things, but I want them. And I worry that God has plans that are different than mine. Plans so different, none of the things on that list will happen. It has been over a year since I moved out of Mike’s house and four years since I started to grow tired and dissatisfied with the the meaninglessness of gluttony—the drinking, spending, eating, and having meaningless “friendships” with most of the people I associated with up until that point of my life just didn’t bring me the joy and satisfaction I wanted in life. I was ready for something quieter. Something with more purpose: independence in my own life: then marriage; a family; helping people in the community; a close relationship with God; and real friends. Well in 2007, things started to change.  It started with having a child, it led to me growing my relationship with Christ, and it moved into some real genuine friendships that I will cherish my entire life, and has pulled me into ministries that are helping others as well as reviving some of my creativity in the arts. But I lost my boyfriend of 6 years in the process. I’ve moved back in with my folks. I now am being laid off from my job. And while I am dating again, I’m just starting, and therefore don’t see any engagements happening anytime soon. So I’ve gained five, lost two, and have yet to have two others, ever.  

But then I think, well if indeed God didn’t want those things for me, what would be the reason? Perhaps they would draw me away from him. Perhaps I would get so wrapped up in my independence or my boyfriend or something, that I would pull away from Jesus. And I think, if I gained all the things I want from this world, but lost my relationship with God in the process, would it be worth it? And the answer is no. No way. Now, most likely I am wrong. Most likely God has plans for many of my wishes to come true, but just not right now. And with that, I know he is working on my patience.

But what frustrates me is that my patience is growing thin and I feel a growing rebellion in my heart. And it is a rebellion that I don’t want. But I can’t seem to shake it. A rebellion that says if he doesn’t give me what I want soon, I’ll start trying it my way again. Even though deep down, I know by doing so, He will just prove to me that my way won’t work anyway. Such a paradox one would think I could just surrender like I did a year and a half ago. So I prayed this prayer tonight. I prayed to God that if any of the choices I make or the things I take hold of in this phase of my relationship with Him are things that He knows will pull me away from Him, that he take them from me. That he take them away even if it makes me scream and cry. Even if it is painful and hurts me. Because I would rather have none of the things I want from this world and spend eternity with Him than gain everything and lose my soul. It’s a hardcore prayer I know. And I admit that I may be asking for some painful times ahead if I don’t change my desires. But I know His ways are better than mine and that ultimately, His way will lead me to more happiness than my way could ever gain. I know this because I’ve tried it my way. And my way didnt’ work. And God’s word said that would happen. And I made a choice to leave my way so that I could follow his way, and with that choice, God has blessed me so much in so many ways. But I think I expected too much from God in the process. I expected that because I chose to follow Him, that He would immediately reward me with every desire of my heart. And I find myself  now, a year and a half from the time I gave my life to the Lord,  without some of the things I want so much, it hurts. And instead of looking around at what I do have and saying thank you, I’m just whining and wanting more, and worried I won’t get it. Could my worry be the problem He needs to work out of me before He can bless me with the rest of my heart’s desires? It is grace through faith that saves me in the next life, but could it be works that earn God’s blessing in this one? And if that is so, I have a long way to go. Because I’m sure once God purifies me of my worry, He will show me the next sin I struggle with. A sin I don’t even realize I have because I am so blinded by the others.

I worry. I know it’s wrong because it shows a lack of trust in God. But is it different, if it’s a lack of trust that is enrooted in my fear that perhaps what I want is not what I need and the things I want, I want too much…..idolizing them almost, and therefore never going to get God to will them in my life. I worry I won’t stop worrying. Will I ever allow Him alone to be enough?


My New and Improved Salad

saladSalad, no dressing please. This is a request no one would ever hear come out of my mouth, but now I’m not so sure. My friend Kelly invited me over for dinner the other night and served a spring green salad with it. When I asked where was the dressing, she responded pleasantly that she didn’t use dressing. Well, I’m somewhat of a food adventurist and decided to dive in and give it a try. It had cheddar cheese on it, maybe that would suffice. Well, I was pleasantly surprised. It tasted great! And with my analtical nature, I sought to figure out why. The key is the type of greens. I was raised on romaine lettuce and homemade Italian dressing which I continue to make for my dinner side. I’ve perfected this salad. But, the salad needs the dressing. The dressing is the most important ingredient! The salad Kelly served was a mix of fresh baby spinach, baby romaine and baby leaf. The flavors of these plants are less bitter, and when topped with cheese, are quite flavorful.

So the last few nights I have changed my childhood salad recipe and swapped out my romaine for a new type of greens. I still love my dressing, so I’ve kept that, but make it much milder so as to not overpower the mild and flavorful taste of the greens. I also added a couple of other lettuces that taste good too. But, seriously…if I run out of vinegar, I won’t be running out the door as quickly and will not be afraid to just eat it as is.

Here is the recipe, so simple and so good

Mama Theresa’s Spring Salad

Serves enough for one large personal salad or two small side salads

In a medium sized bowl mix the following:

  • Two cups of mixed fresh fresh baby butter, tango, baby spinach, baby leaf, and baby romaine lettuces.
  • A few slices of dark red bell pepper
  • A few slices of cucumber
  • A quarter cup of thinly sliced red cabbage
  • One diced green onion including both bulb and chive
  • 2-3 oz of diced medium to sharp cheddar cheese

Now the dressing here is a lighter version of my normal dressing, but perfect. I’ll be honest, I’m estimating the amount below as I just pour and shake but this feels right. In the end, start light, and add more if you need more flavor.

  • 2 tablespoons of olive oil
  • 2 dashes of red wine vinager
  • 3 shakes of Lawry’s garlic salt
  • 2 shakes of pepper

Toss and enjoy!

What a Difference Between Acrylic and Pastel Paints!


Pastel Version #1

 So about 2 1/2 years ago, I decided to leave my world of graphite pencil drawings and dabble in paints. I was ready for color but afraid to go all the way. I figured I would not have a clue as to what to do with a brush, so I decided pastel paints would be a good happy medium. I could still use my fingers because the painter really draws on the paint and then smudges it with tools or finger (the oils in my skin seemed to mix with it well and spread it better). I had a great time with pastel. I painted a silhouette of a girl rocking out to music for my friend Brianne. I painted a self-portrait during the summer when I had no one but myself to paint some days, and I painted a tree and then a picture of Mike and I the summer I was pregnant with Kanan.
acrylic version #2

acrylic version #2

But things soon changed when I painted a picture of a moon and a sun inspired by a story written by someone dear to me. I painted it in one night and I was so proud of it. But then after a few days, the colors seemed to fade and I yearned for something bolder and more detailed. I was ready for acrylics. So I when off and did it. I headed to the supply shop and bought everything I needed including canvas. I set out to duplicate that sun and moon painting but make it bolder and more detailed. Well I did. It is my first acrylic painting so for you professionals out there, don’t laugh. But I’m happy with the changes and want to show everyone the difference between the two mediums. I can get so many more layers of detail with the acrylic paint.



Lucidity as Clear as Glass

How do I get it? I’m telling you right now, I have it right now. I am experiencing the cleanest, most natural high of my life right now.

How to Feel Amazing

1. Take a two hour nap, on the couch with the blinds open so the sun shines through slightly onto you.

2. Wake up slowly

3. Drink a tall glass of “Greens First” by Doctors for Nutrition.

4. Wait about 5 minutes

5. Feel Amazing!

I’m telling you right now, the combination is key. I drink “Greens First” a few times a week, and most of the time, I don’t have time to take it after a 2 hour nap. I take it running out the door, I take it while cooking my dinner. I feel really good and energized when I do, and on that alone, I recommend the product, but it is still not to this capacity. Not with this clarity. And I take a two hour nap every Saturday afternoon. It is a ritual I have been practicing since I’ve had Kanan. And sometimes I wake up feeling good. Sometimes I wake up feeling groggy, but wake up after a while and do feel good. But not to this capacity. Not with this clarity. 🙂

Colors are more vibrant. I breathe in deeper and less shallow. My thoughts come quickly and clearly not fidgety like after a cup of coffee. I feel strong. I feel happy. I feel ready for the rest of the day! After today, I am thinking this might be a perfect replacement for a morning coffee.

I’ve had many green supplemental drinks and nothing beats this one. It tastes really good (sweet and minty)! It has less calories. It is packed with fruits and vegetables, antioxidants, live flora, and fiber. I don’t sell it, but I totally would if I had the time and the resources. 🙂 Google it; research it; buy it; see for yourself.

Wine Tasting

march_earlyapril-2009-015If you count Boones Farm and Wild Vines, then I have started dabbling in the wines when I was 16. But anyone who really knows wine, knows that can’t count. With that, I officially started drinking wine when I was 20 years old and discovered Merlot at my first “sophisticated” party in college. My relationship with Merlot lasted about 5 years until I discovered Cabernet Sauvignon. It tasted fruitier, dryer, less oakey, and more alcoholic.   So since then, that has been my default wine. Now don’t get me wrong, I have tried many wines. I’ve tried many whites and many reds but it is difficult to determine my preference for one or another without tasting them one after the other and comparing. So one would wonder why I didn’t go wine tasting to learn more about the fine drink, but life just hasn’t worked that way for me. So it was not until 9 years into my love for wine as of last Friday that  I was able to finally compare.

My good friend Kelley turned 40 and she took her VIP crew (that included me, yipeey!) on a limo-driven, wine tasting adventure through Temecula. We all are teachers funny enough and used our “personal business” leave to take off for the day. We got to sleep in, then meet at Kelley’s for bagels with creme cheese, mimosas and bloody mary’s, and chick chat. Then our very young limo driver showed up and we were off. We went to Callaways, Longfellows, and another one whose name I don’t remember….hmmm.

But what I do know is that I determined these three things over the course of the day:

  1.  I pretty much don’t like most white wines. Especially if they are sweet or oakey which pretty much leaves them all out. The only one I remember liking was the Sauvingnon Blanc.
  2.  I love, Love, LOVE Zinfindale!
  3.  I think it would be fabulous to be married in vineyard. In the fall would be even better. 🙂

I learned these two things:

  1. Cabernet Sauvignon is a natural hybrid between Sauvignon Blanc and Cabernet Franc. Pretty fitting for me given my taste in white wine.
  2. I do actually have the courage enough to give my phone number to tall, good looking, Christian, wine connoisseurs like the 27 year old Jared I met at winery #2.  (That is indeed a first for me. I always wait to be asked…haha).

On our way home, we danced in the car to various songs from the last 30 something years. Hilarious time. Bethany cracks me up the most. Between the dancing, the jacuzzi, and the lost purse—twas an adventure for sure.

So—to anyone who has not gone wine tasting, I do recommend it. I had a great time and would love to do it for my 30th, but hopefully then I will the love of my life on my arm—which in that case would have to make the trip co-ed.

Random Things I learned Today….

I’ll start with the best and work my way to the worst. The best thing I learned today came to me via email. Remember my student Jonathan whose girlfriend up and left to Tijuana? Well he hasn’t been to class all week and I’ve been worried. But today, I opened up my email to find a message from him. It said the following: “Miss. This because I find Pricilla. You know how much I love her. So I not come back. Goodbye. Will miss you.” So the romance continues between my two students and I am so happy for him. However, the teacher/mother in me also hopes he goes back to school in Tijuana at least. I assume the novelity of their reunion will wear off after a while and the imminency of a needed education will begin to follow him. Pricilla’s family values education too, so I believe she will pressure Jonathan to go to school. So in the end, I believe this is good news. This news also helped soften the blow of the next news.

See, obviously given the fact that my student emailed me personally to let me know he will not be returning to school because he found his girlfriend in Tijuana, I have developed a good rapport with my students this year. Last year, I had that same type of rapport with my fifth period class but apparently not with my second period class. See this year, one of my students received a Valentine Gram from a previous student I had last year in my second period class. I teased my student and then told him I had his girlfriend last year and to ask her about me. I asked him today what she said. He said that she told him I was a good teacher but I was moody and I once ripped her project in half. Yikes! I don’t remember doing that? I only rip up tests if a student is caught cheating. I’m hoping that given he is learning English that something got lost in the translation, and it was a test that I ripped up because she was probably talking during the test. But to find out a student viewed me as “moody?” That is hard! I did have a rough first period last year so I wonder if my emotional state second period varied depending on what happened with my first period class. I sure hope so! I’m going to start paying closer attention to how I behave after a tough class this year and see if I notice a correlation. This year is more laid back because I have a break almost after each class—First period, teach; second period, break; third and fourth period block class, teach; lunch; fifth period, teach; sixth period, teach. But in case next year, I get a similar schedule as last year, I defintely want to prevent that from happening again. I’m not a moody person so it came as quite a shock.

But who knows, I may not have a class to teach next year. The final news I learned today is that district will have to lay off 88 staff members , 25 of which will be from the two high schools. So—if I do keep my job, it will by the hair of my chiny chin chin. I keep trying to remind myself that change, scary or not, brings color to life. I just hope the color isn’t black. So keep me in your thoughts or prayers please!

Stomach Flu Has Sucked My Thirst to Write

I’ve been meaning to write for over a week now and had planned to spend tonight going over my newest reflections on everything from my son to love to education and politics. But here I am tonight, stomach still not quite right from my Saturday night and Sunday spent hugging my toilet, and I have absolutely nothing to say. Perhaps if I cover some general or random stuff that comes to my brain I can get something  jump started. Here I go and I apologize if this sounds crazy but I’m trying really hard here to pull out something genius.

  1. My friend Lael wrote a truly inspiring reflection on her life and how she has become the woman  she is today. She prompted me to write mine and I thought about it for about 20 minutes. I realized I had too much to say and obviously given my brain feels like sludge,  thought I would dig through the virtual files I had in my computer of prior life reflectios and send her one of those.  Unfortunately, none of my reflections analyzed who I am today, only who I was up to about 4 years ago. I guess once I started this blog, I really haven’t written anything reflective about why I have become the woman I am now. Note to self—add this to list of things to write about. Next to the story about the time I brought a dead bird to school and the time I slept alone in an airport in San Francisco.
  2. Just read that Chris Brown may have hurt his girlfriend Rhianna. Odd that I never heard the guy’s name before earlier today when one of my students was talking about how cute he is. This is the same student who can’t read and who comes to class with hickeys on her neck from a gang member boy who got his last girlfriend pregnant. This of course, makes me like Christ Brown all the more regardless of whether or not the rumors about Rhianna are true. (insert sarcastic smile here for readers who don’t know me well enough to know I am joking).
  3. Saw the press release interview with our President Barack Obama. I actually think he made some pretty good points and arguments for his stimulus bill among other topics.
  4. It hailed tonight. That was cool.
  5. Even cooler was when I held Kanan as we walked from daycare to my car and the wind was really picking up—my hair all over the place, and Kanan said “Is winny!”
  6. Winnie the Pooh—-who would name their stuffed bear after a turd? Is there something I’m not getting?
  7. Last nights Grammy’s were supposed to be all about hip-hop. Apparently it was more about country music.
  8. Taylor Swifts song “Fifteen”….where was that song when I was fifteen? So perfect for that age.
  9. Going to get my hair cut and highlighted this Thursday. Now I can stop wearing my hair in a ponytail and actually do something cute with it.
  10. Actually contemplated getting breast implants a few weeks ago. Then looked up the cost on-line and decided I didn’t want them bad enough to spend $6000 dollars on them. Instead, I’ll get some microdermabrasian on my acne scars around my mouth and cheeks and go to Victoria’s Secret for a great bra.

Alright, that is all I have. Sorry. Nothing Genius. I wonder if I depleted my brain of oxygen while I was vomiting. That would explain a lot.

If 2012 Gloom and Doom Prophecies are True, It Could Take Days for the Withdrawls to Subside

…because I have joined the Iphone/BlackBerry “crackberry” technology-dependent cult. And any one of you “old schoolers” who roll your eyes at me and say “oh no, not her too,” let me give you my reasoning. I carry a large purse. Why? Well apart from it being fashionable, it worked for me because I need space to carry my day planner, my camera, my phone, and my ipod along with all the other stuff women keep in their bag full of tricks sans a pacifier, a Thomas the Train, wipes, and an extra diaper (okay, that’s only Saturday through Tuesday, but you get my mommy humor).  So needless to say, I have been eyeing the Iphone specifically because I knew it would easily work well with my itunes and my ihome player in my bedroom. I definitely wanted to wait, however, because it is a bit pricey compared to other phones, especially since my phone company demands a monthly Internet package when hooking up an iphone. But when I lost my phone last week, I knew I would have to hasten our inevitable union/love-affair. And so it was Thursday that my Iphone and I met. We have been getting to know each other over the last few days and I must say, he is everything I thought he’d be and more. I have now condensed my day-planner, camera, phone, and ipod into one device. I bought a holder for it that even has a slot for my ID/credit card so I can actually just leave my purse in the trunk when I want to travel light (although hanging my keys from my jeans belt loop isn’t very classy, but hey…sometimes I just don’t care). The added bonus is that I was able to sync my iphone with my Yahoo contact list and so when I inputted everyone’s telephone numbers into my iphone, my Yahoo contacts showed up with the same info. So God-forbid I lose my phone again, I will no longer have to bombard you with funny stories and excuses about why I need your phone number again.

So according to the History Channel, “some” researchers believe that on Winter Solstice 2012, the alignment of the planet and the solar system could freeze our telecommunications. By that time, I will have been used to and reliant on my amazing technological device for almost four years….oh yeah, I’ll be so upset. 😉

I’m Officially a Victim of Spammer/Telemarketing Scumbags: but not the first time I’ve had some information stolen from me

Thank God I haven’t been swindled out of money like my cousin or have had my identity stolen like when I was 21 although I just might get a credit report and double check. It all started after the first of the new year. The only thing I can think of which could have set everything off is that I changed my wireless account. This perhaps took my name off of the National Do Not Call Registry because within a day or two of doing this, I became bombarded with telemarketing calls from various companies, some calling me as often as four times in one day. When I did answer the phone to one of them, they said  they heard I was interested in their services. I said I wasn’t and asked them how they heard this. They said I filled out a form on the Internet. I said I didn’t. I asked them if this form had any other information about me besides my phone number and they said yes, an email address. I asked them for the email address. It was an email address with my first name but with a domain name I had no idea existed. I was very upset. The lady said she’d take my name off their list. So how did a spammer get a hold of my phone number and my first name so they could begin filling out forms in my name to get telemarketers to call me? The telemarketers have to be buying these phone numbers from people who are payed to get a hold of phone numbers and first names and then fill out forms using them and then creating fraudulent email addresses with their first names. I just pray to God they don’t have my last name or any other information. I just might change my website address to this WordPress account for that very reason.

After this disturbing conversation with this telemarketer, I immediately reregistered my number on the NDNCR and then checked out this domain with which I supposedly registered an email account. I called the company and they said they couldn’t disclose any information about the person who set up the account or when they did unless I filled out a subpoena at the police department which could release this information. She did, however, freeze the email account for me. So now I need to go down this week and fill out this form and get to the bottom of this.

My other spammer issue is a separate one entirely, not as disturbing, but annoying nonetheless.  I also am having to finally close my junkmail email account (the email account I use when joining or visiting any websites that are not important to my livelihood) after 12 years. Some spammers have gotten a hold of my email address and are using it to spam people. I have hundreds of emails everyday that are “delivery failure notices” to people I have never emailed. When I read the email I supposedly sent, its a spam email. Grrrrrr. So I just spent an hour now going to all my websites like facebook and babycentral and ebay and have had to change my email address to another junkmail account I recently created. Now I am going to erase my old treesa184 email address and start anew.

southparkarrestedtheresaThis is getting way too close in similarity to the time in my life when I was 21 and had my purse stolen by a prostitute in a dirty dive bar in Escondido. The woman memorized all the information on my drivers licence, used my canceled credit cards as other forms of identification and then after she was arrested for returning stolen merchandise at a mall nearby two months after she stole my purse, presented my drivers licence to the police officers. So she was arrested under my name until three days into her detention an intelligent police officer looked at this 300 pound woman (150 pounds of which was in her rear-end alone) and looked at the buck twenty younger woman on the ID and thought it didn’t add up. He looked up my name and found my police report I made about my purse being stolen. I had to go down and identify the woman. She was charged with stealing merchandise and impersonating me, but unfortunately didn’t get charged with stealing my purse because I couldn’t verify with 100 percent certainty that she was the same woman who stole my purse. I told them I could if I could see her rear-end in a line up instead of just looking at her mugshot. They declined. I told them 75% based on her face. Guess that wasn’t enough.

It might be time for me to set up some extra sensitive measures on my credit report like I did when this woman stole my purse. It was a 7-year screening on any credit inquiries about me. Can’t be too careful.

Happy New Year 2009!

sdc11399Happy New Year everyone! I know the news in the world makes 2009 seem pretty glum, but I’ve got a good feeling about this one! I really do. I pray that everyone of you are blessed this year despite any subconcious fears about our jobs or houses or debt.  I know that may be easier said than done, but there is something to thinking positive and so I’m sticking with it, and you should too. :) And I am further stoked to have looked back at my New Years Resolutions from last year and find that I succeeded in reaching half of them! That is a first! So, Since I’m on the upswing here, here is the list for 2009. So now that you know them, you all better call me on it when I am not following through. I need reinforcement! :)

Bad Habits To Stop:

1. Worrying so much (this has gotten much better since I’ve received so much peace knowing God is in charge, but I still have not kicked it entirely because I’m still wrestling with him for control sometimes :P)

2. Sleeping on my stomach ( I got out of the habit when I was pregnant, but this month started at it again).

Things I Would Like to Accomplish This Year:

1. Improve my painting skills (I’ve moved beyond pastel, and am venturing into acrylic and oil paints!)

2. Take a yoga class atleast once a week

3. Take Kanan on at least one vacation

4. Resolve my love life or at least become content with my lack thereof

5. Continue to work in the drama ministry through my church

6. Pay off my car loan

7. Find an effective but loving way of disciplining Kanan and of course to continue to teach him good things!

Spiritual Goals for the Year:

1. Read the entire bible this year (I have a “one year bible” and am starting today! I read the entire new testament last year and a few books from the old testament, but this time I want to do it all! 🙂 )

2. Allow the Holy Spirit to use me to help someone come to Christ.

3. Grow closer to God