41 weeks pregnant--my last belly pic

I am 41 weeks pregnant and not only have not started labor, but my appointment today showed no signs of my body responding to the cramps I’ve had all week. I am still high and closed tight. But emotionally and physically,  I feel done. Not that it matters what I want anyway. I would probably wait another week if my doctor said it would be safe, but given I have had a prior c-section, she does not want to go past 41 weeks as it poses an increased risk for rupture. I’m already nervous enough about the risks of stillbirth and uterine rupture and add on top of that my knowledge of what happened with Kanan which lead to a c-section the first time, I really don’t have much hope that my body will do what it needs to do anyway. I gave it to God. I’ve prayed and prayed that my baby would be born naturally and timely, that my body would respond well. None of that has happened. I also prayed that God’s will be done. That if it would be dangerous to do so, that he would lead us to a c-section.  Apparently, God is okay with a c-section. Perhaps I would rupture. Perhaps the baby would get sick from swallowing meconium or God, forbid he would be stillborn. Either way, we are here at this point. And so, we are doing it. Tomorrow morning at 8:30 I will be on the operating table.

We went in today for my checkup. As I wrote above, there were no signs of progress. The baby was doing fine though—heart rate in the 130’s. My weight gain for the week stood at barely a pound, which puts me at a grand total of 32 pounds of weight gain. We then headed to the hospital for my directions for tomorrow and my pre-op blood work. I am to stop eating tonight at 10 and stop drinking liquids at midnight. I am to arrive at the hospital tomorrow morning at 6:30 where they will prepare me by giving me an IV to hydrate me, and give me my spinal block, etc. At 8:30 AM we start the operation. Owen can be in the operating room with me so we can hear Jameson’s first cries together. Then Jameson and I can be reunited in my recovery room after he is cleaned up and I am sown up and feeling okay. Owen plans to pick up Kanan from school around 11 to bring him back to the hospital and see his little brother. I cannot wait to see Kanan’s sweet little face and see his reaction. He is so excited about having a brother. I don’t think he realizes what he is getting into or even that he may even feel some jealousy tomorrow, but I am excited nonetheless. I cannot wait for our family picture in the recovery room together as a family: Owen, me, Kanan, and our little Jameson.

I’m pretty disappointed in my body, but am super excited about seeing Jameson tomorrow. I was taking a shower today and started to cry such happy tears realizing that after tomorrow, my life will again change forever. I have felt this way only four other times in my life. I felt this same way the days before Kanan was born, the day I recommitted my life to God, the day  I married my husband, the day my father died, and now this moment. These are the moments that mark the milestones of life. These are the moments that make me feel alive—just raw emotion and the moment when I say, “so this is what this feels like.”

I prayed again in the shower. Prayed that God would remain with me in this next fork of my life. That he would give me his patience, wisdom, peace, and love to be able to be the best working mom and wife that I can be. I need him. I don’t know how I will do it without him. I prayed for my husband and for Kanan. That they would be guided by the Lord as well. That they would be patient with me and my emotions as I go through this transition. That they would feel loved.

So here we are….It is 5 pm. I plan to vacuum and dust to get rid of the cat dander in my house for baby. Then I head off to visit my grandma and eat dinner with her as we read chapter 3 of the book of John. And then I return home to eat my final snack before bed, relax with my husband, and try to get some sleep. Tonight will be hard without water. I get so thirsty at night. I imagine my thoughts will keep me up as well. Last night I was up at 1230, then again around 3, and then again around 5—all three times, my mind so full of thoughts; my body so sore. But, that will just further help prepare me. I imagine tomorrow night I will be up around those three times as well, nursing Jameson. 🙂